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I was blessed with a fresh arising of Love again, in a particular manifestation of Love for someone two years ago ~ but please do not rush ahead to decide what I mean by this Love. We usually do that, someone says "love" and automatically we think before even giving time to think, we know what the "love" is the person speaks of, we think. How can we conceptually know anything, anyway, that we can only think of? Included below is my thoughts then of sharing with this other, as well as reflections at the time of this writing, so merging past and present tenses.
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She and I talk every few days, getting acquainted. I see we are simply sharing freely and enjoyably, not trying to make the relationship any particular kind of relationship, like friends, lovers, anything at all. So, we are in the moment, not knowing what is happening except that sharing is happening; sharing is the happening. We are like two persons floating down a river in a boat, to come from nowhere and arrive at nowhere, moving with and by the flow, unaware of where the river begins or ends, or when we entered it, or if we have always been in it.
When we are not sharing together, I feel gentle feelings arising of this dear one. I would call these feelings of Love. I would not call them Love, Love is not a feeling. Yet, I question if there can be any separation between Love and feelings of Love, or not. So, maybe Love is loving through Itself as the sensations of Love, as Itself. This, somewhat like the Sun touches us through Its rays. Still, I would not call the sensations any specific kind of or feeling of Love, like friendship Love, romantic Love, anything. These feelings come and go, from and into deeper than body and mind; I simply allow them to come and go fluently. The feelings are like a painter painting, freely moving the brush to make brushstrokes, for I sense no need to know the why of any movement of this sharing, so free of meaning, purpose, outcome ~ Love is free of such pragmatic outcomes, while including them as the fruition of Its movements.
I become curious about these feelings and find being curious a way to be with the inscrutability of Grace surfacing in the sensations. Yet, this curiosity is not taken too seriously, more as a joyful playfulness. If I take this too seriously, I am caught up in "I," not Life, Love, Grace, gladdened surrender to Life. And I would not be trusting that a higher Intelligence, call It what you will, orchestrates our meeting with particular others, for we each have a gift for each other. The meeting may be for a moment or a lifetime, yet the meeting is holy through-and-through and absolutely inexplicable. In some sense, only through yielding to Grace can we be fully present to It and each other. Any agenda to make the meeting together what "I" think it should be or want it to be would obstruct the movement of Grace. This, even as resistance to the fruition of the flow would hinder the flow.
At times, a thought arises as to what the feelings arising and dissolving might mean, then I let go of that, knowing they do not have to mean anything particular. I know that meaning best arises for us when we welcome meaning, not trying to find a meaning or the meaning. Also, I have learned that meaning is not separate from the sharing, such as an addendum added to togetherness.
This above is what I am still learning from resting in Silence, this learning to let myself enjoy equanimity amidst all that comes and goes, not trying to find some meaning, relishing the magic of Life in its ordinariness, engaging curiosity without feeling that I must arrive at some conclusion of purpose.
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Is it not true, Love is Its own meaning, so Life is Its own meaning? Can we relax into this ever-present, flowing fullness, cease acting from a sense of lack, not trying to get something from our simply being present, and enjoy the serenity of Love embracing all and everyone, equally? And would it not be true that to be blessed to enfold anyone in Grace is a lesson on the call to enfold everyone in Grace?
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Only in this spaciousness of not for and not against do I find Love freely arising as Love and to heart and mind an inspiration of calm and peace. Only in this non-striving, wherein I trust without using faith as a means to grasp at the unknowable or push it away, do I enjoy inner harmony. This is like bicycling. When out on the road, I find joy in the un-thought-out process of just cycling. I am not thinking about how to, where I am, how far from the end. Cycling is happening. Life is like that, Love too, sacred sharing like that.
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Recently, this became more clear to me, that is how we are gifts to one another and, often, Life orchestrates our meeting for some purpose unknown to us. I had dated someone briefly, only a month, and the relationship did not work out even to sustain a friendship. So, we went our separate ways. I wrote a note, after our last meeting, inviting continued sharing. I received no reply. Over a month later, I felt strong feelings of gratitude arising for those weeks of sharing. I could give gratitude for having met this person, and feel gratitude for the love we shared as persons who before had never met each other. So, what was the purpose, maybe only that, to share for a brief time. If so, that is enough. We are only passing through here, and we need not undervalue any meeting with anyone; any sharing can be welcomed as a gift that could not have happened, but did, thankfully did.
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no felt need to
in inner harmony
thoughts of Love
feelings of Love
these thoughts arise
these feelings arise
they do not
for these feelings and thoughts
arise in "I" that arises and dissolves
in this Silence of nonclinging to "I"
one does not have Love for anyone
for "I" cannot possess Love
to give Love
being in Love
the sense of "I love you" arises for someone
while sometimes that sense is not present
Love is present
Love being present is the
ground for a new emergence of the sense of Love
and to act lovingly in the absence of feelings of Love
clothes the sense of Love with "I"
and wears it as Love "I have" for someone
yet here too
this is the way of Love
to love through the "I" that thinks it has Love
when it cannot have Love, not anything
Love arising and dissolving in Silence
teaches us the nature of Love and how better
not to cling to Love or loving
we may fear
in this letting go
we will become unloving
more truly loving
for in allowing the spaciousness for Love
to come and go in Its own freedom
to be Love, to be un-possessed, to be un-claimed
for Love to flow freely
and so Love flows more freely
we find this harmony
of Love not against, not for,
Love dancing Its dance through us
we then can rest from
trying to love
efforting not to lose Love
working to prove we do love
we then can rest from
being divided by being against or for
so live in the harmony of Love without opposites
we learn how to be
so be in Love
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(C)Brian Wilcox, 2020