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When you are no longer center stage,
You can allow others to breathe alongside you;
You can appreciate their existence as being equal
In value to your own.
—Roger Housden, Ten Poems to Open Your Heart
I walked down the sidewalk to the open clearing, to be alone at the end of the road. I was emotionally exhausted. For days I had prayerfully prepared once in my life to listen deeply to another person without defensiveness, even if it meant what would be said would be hurtful. I would listen even if misrepresented, for once in my life. I wanted to know what it means to listen lovingly, without needing to agree or disagree. I wanted to give another person room to speak freely. I wanted to know I could give that gift, which, ironically, would be a gift to myself, as well.
So, after listening for forty minutes, I had listened all I could. The intensity and surge of words, as well as my remaining mindfully with the person, had exhausted me. I notified the person that I needed to go for a walk outside and alone.
So, I stood alone, in this clearing. I looked into the night sky illumined lightly by the lights of the city. I prayed. I sensed palpably the Presence. I heard, I heard words of love, which on the surface could be heard as words of viciousness and attack: “I am killing you, Brian.” I did more than hear, I listened, and listened with the heart. I, then, responded in words and with joyful laughter.
Immediately, in listening to this message, I was comforted by the words. I knew that this Presence was being affirmative and had no intent to hurt me. The killing was an act of Grace. This killing would not mean obliterating Brian, as though something was wrong with Brian and less of Brian was what Spirit was wanting; rather, the killing was to open to something else, something more than I had known before. I welcomed the death.
My mind was taken to the text of St. Paul’s testimony to his journey of living into and through the Passion of Christ. He, too, had experienced a being killed, or crucified. I had memorized the passage when an adolescent and from the King James Version. It arose to mind, again, as witness to what the Loving Being was saying to me this night: “I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me’' (Galatians 2.20).
I delighted that God was killing me. I knew that the “killing me” was paradoxically a being born into a larger enjoyment of Life. And, indeed, over the next many weeks, I went through highs and lows, certainties and confusions, and problems in relationships and with health that was slowly killing old ways and birthing new patterns. Indeed, part of the crucifixion was surrendering, over many weeks, the relationship that had been the context of my listening that night.
This being crucified is paradoxical, for in this dying we find a larger Life; which is to say, in the cross we experience the empty tomb. And, at least in my case, crucifixion and resurrection is a repeated process. For a period of time, I seem to settle in the joy of post-resurrection. Then, the process of dying a deeper dying to live a richer living begins again. Of course, I could stop the process, I assume. I could say, “Okay, God, I am through with this. Leave me alone.” And because God lovingly respects my freedom, I think Spirit would say, “Okay. You can settle where you are. And when ready, we can begin once more. Let me know, I will always be here.”
Now, if I wanted family and friends to say, “Hey, Brian has it all together!,” I would say “No” to the Presence. If I wanted to impress persons that my life is devoid of the messiness of growth and adventure, with its attending confusion and mess-ups, I would say “No.” But, for some reason, even from a child, I have never chosen cleanness and order over growth and discovery.
I have never placed priority, even from childhood, on a neat life or uncomplicated one, as my dear friends and close family know so well. I think sometimes they would like to rescue me, but at the same time I seem to inspire them to keep growing and discovering. Hopefully, even messing up and stumbling encourages them to know it is okay for them to mess up and stumble, too. So, maybe I cannot give the gift of a neat life to my friends and family; maybe all I can give them is the encouragement to keep saying “Yes” to Christ, even when that “Yes” will lead them back into the confusion and uncertainties that attend opening to more of what God wants us to be.
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This “being killed” is really about having a greater Love within us, to share with other persons and all creatures. The poet Czeslaw Milosz in “Love” writes:
Love means to look at yourself
The way one looks at distant things
For you are only one thing among many.
And whoever sees that way heals his heart,
Without knowing it, from various ills—
A bird and a tree say to him: Friend.
Ironically, the path to being healed into a larger Life is through, not more focus on our wounds and desires apart from other persons, but opening empathically to the world we live in. We see ourselves in a larger perspective. We see ourselves in a more whole context. Other persons have the same questions, struggles, aspirations, and search for meaning. Every other person wants to be loved and listened to as much as we do. Other persons get as lonely as we do. Other persons grieve past mistakes as much as we do. Other persons want to be unconditionally loved as much as we do.
Healing comes through this new perspective. Simply dying to a smaller self to a larger Self, one in which we see ourselves as one with other creatures, is itself healing. Because focusing too much on ourselves apart from other creatures is itself the main root of our suffering and illness. We change as a result of this new Resurrection Perspective. We find empathy, too, not only with other persons, but with other creatures. We find that we are one, not just with other human beings, we are in communion with even the bird and tree. We find we have been crucified into a context wherein we have, ironically, been freed from the self-perpetuating self-focus that opens to appreciation of ourselves in the context of all Creation. All this, we discover was not planned, it simply began happening when we were ready to say “Yes” to Grace. So, even the process of conversion itself was not a process of self-focus. We might even be surprised to get conscious glimpses into the newfound freedom we feel. “Wow! This not thinking so much about myself, even trying to improve myself or figure myself out, is a wonderful and freeing experience. God, thank you!”
Spiritual Exercise
1. Meditate or do Lectio Divina on Galatians 2.20. What is the passage saying to you?
2. Reflect on a time when the Spirit worked in your life to lead you toward a larger Life, one less focused on you and that opened outward to other persons.
3. Does the writing above imply that we should not love ourselves or take care of ourselves? Explain your response.
4. What is the paradox at the heart of the Passion of Christ? How does it apply to your life?
5. How might the focus in our culture on personal growth and self-discovery exacerbate an unhealthy self-interest? Might facilitate moving toward a point of being able to release the suffocating self-interest at the root of much emotional and relationship challenges?
6. Write out a prayer to God as you understand the Presence, expressing your desire for Love to love through you more wholly and for you to be enabled to see yourself in a larger context than you have been able to see yourself before.
7. How does Contemplative Prayer provide practice in selflessness?
8. What role does communal Worship play in forming a faith community of persons who see themselves in a universal context, one with all other creatures in the world?
9. Do you believe your faith community is providing a context to experience a more whole life in Christ? Explain.
10. Is your faith community fostering spiritual growth that is leading persons to reach out beyond the faith community into the world community? Explain your answer.
OneLife Ministries is a pastoral outreach and nurture ministry of the First United Methodist Church, Fort Meade, FL. For Spiritual Direction, Pastoral Counseling, spiritual formation workshops, Christian meditation retreats, or more information about OneLife, write Rev. Dr. Brian K. Wilcox at briankwilcox@comcast.net.
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