Look of truth, look of purity, look of boundless understanding, look of love, look of compassion - the look to be always honored and practiced.
*From the Lotus Sutra. In Thich Nhat Hanh. Chanting from the Heart Vol I.
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The writing today concerns an experience in which one could feel he - this writer - handled a conflict well. And he behaved compassionately. Yes, but this is not about how well I acted. And it is not about feeling successful, for one has acted kindly.
In a spiritual sense, acting compassionately does not entail attributing such kindness to ourselves. We do not self-proclaim as a bodhisattva, buddha, saint, holy person, or christ who goes around showing love. We do not look in a mirror, congratulating ourselves about simply acting in a way that is the way to act, regardless. Expressing our basic nature is simple, direct, and not about ego performance. There is no self-reflection in the act, for the act does not arise from ourselves as persons. The act does not have our signature on it. We do not leave our fingerprints anywhere.
In fact, trying to be a compassionate being can hinder compassionate action. The ego enjoys such holy pursuits. Instead, forget about being a compassionate being, or else you will make it into a self-intoxicating trip. You will get drunk of your own reflection. Or we can say... consent to the rising of compassion at the moment compassion needs to show itself. Then, act and do not expect congratulations.
To be a compassionate being is simply what our fundamental nature is. But our fundamental nature is deeper than the surface self-sense. So, compassion arises from something before the sense or action of personhood. Hence, to consent to act compassionately is consent arising from what is already that we are. So, our role is to trust what is present to give itself when the causes and conditions call it forth. Compassion is, so compassion acts. We have no need to say, "I did this or that." And our role is to work with ourselves so compassion freely flows through our personhood as a conduit of life.
Last, by way of introduction, this flow is not always accompanied by what many might call a feeling of compassion. Compassion is more of a natural insight and a being with, while feeling compassion is secondary. We need to learn to act compassionately, knowing compassion does not rely on fleeting feelings. Yet, too, when such feelings arise, we welcome them. And, yes, through acting compassionately, we cultivate a basis for the arising of feelings we can associate with compassion.
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I prepared to wash her feet, following Jesus' example of serving his friends by washing their feet. I wanted to do this as a sign of love for her. She was receptive to this rite.
I was one month from moving several states northward to live with her. But on this last visit prior, I knew our relationship was near ending over some behavior I had made clear I could not accept. She had promised more than once to discontinue this behavior, which was detrimental to her physical health. She would not, however, and began hiding it from me. I was prepared to let go of the relationship peacefully, our saying our goodbyes respectfully.
Near the end of this rite, my friend looked into my eyes. She said, "I'm looking at love."
I knew the love she was seeing was not about me personally. I did not possess it to give to anyone. We could call it grace. Nothing was happening I, or anyone, could claim as one's own.
Later in the evening, after readdressing one of the differences we had, I left the room where we were talking. I accepted the relationship was over, at least for then. Before resting some before leaving on a long trip home, a trip of about 18 hours, I was preparing a fruit dish. She came to the kitchen entrance and angrily spoke out in a very loud, harsh tone, speaking some vulgar words to me. She turned, walked back to her bedroom, and closed the door. I stood stunned.
I hurried up in gathering belongings. I went outside onto the backyard adorned with snow, walked to the woods, and prayed. I walked back toward the home, stood, and prayed for her and her two children. I left, stopping on the way out, and praying once more.
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Someone could ask, "Why did you not get furious at this person, someone treating you that way?" Or, "How were you so peaceful when you left?" And, "Why pray for her?" Well, years before, I would have followed this person and been yelling, defending myself, and accusing her. I would have been trying to win an emotional fight.
I was able to see her, not simply get caught by her behavior. I did not have good feelings about what was said to me. Yes, I was amazed a person could go so quickly from looking at seeing love to such loveless words. The actions were about the pain she felt; possibly, this was a word spoken to everyone she had ever felt abandoned by, unloved by, ... I do not know.
Possibly, most, if not all of us, have a pain narrative. And, if that comes to the fore, we do not see the person before us to whom we are expressing anger or are accusing of being wrong.
See, her expression of pain was not from her fundamental nature. And her fundamental nature is our essential nature. She was not the pain. She was not the caustic words and anger. Anger arises. Anger says, "I'm hurting."
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In Opening the Heart of the Cosmos, Thich Nhat Hanh writes of the Buddhist teaching on the size paramitas. A bodhisattva being, one of compassion, practices these paramitas. Thich Nhat Hanh notes that in Chinese Buddhism, "paramita" connotes "crossing over to the other shore." The "other shore" is beyond the realm of suffering. "Paramita" is often translated as "perfection." The perfection is natural, not one in contrast to imperfection. Living the paramitas is an expression of our basic nature.
So, Thich Nhat Hanh speaks of the paramitas as "doors of action." There are ways to act to help lessen other beings' suffering. We open doors of healing. One example is dana, the paramita of giving, or generosity.
That last night with my friend was one of action doors opening. Whatever I did included the generosity of the rite of feet washing, not responding hurtfully, and prayer. Such behaviors invite a lessening of suffering, both in others and oneself. We all can engage in "giving" by offering kindness and compassion that invites others to the other shore.
Even one moment of tasting the joy of the other shore can be healing. And when we help another to the other shore, we go with them. We go together.
Yet, we must be acquainted with our own suffering. This awareness keeps us humble. Otherwise, we are on an ego trip even when offering help to others. We need to acknowledge we heal together, never in isolation. The door of action we open for another, we open to ourselves, for we all have within us suffering.
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Part of our healing is being quiet and looking with an inward confession, compassionate toward the brokenness, the suffering of other beings. We likely will not benefit anyone by picking apart another's pain narrative, trying entirely to understand it. But we can open our hearts to see and act in nonjudgmental awareness. Awareness itself is nonjudgmental. Then, we cannot claim such graciousness as a belonging we can give out, like a ration of grace. We feel its giftedness when giving and receiving it. Once it is given, it is given. We do not claim to be compassionate beings. We are not trying to get brownie points with god or step toward nirvana, we are simply allowing grace to manifest as grace needs to in any one moment.
