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A man of many companions may come to ruin,
but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother (Proverbs 18.24, ESV).
St. Aelred of Rievaulx (12th Century), raised in the court of the kings of Scotland, became a Cistercian monk and, soon afterward, Abbot of the monastery: which grew to over six hundred monks and became the largest religious community in England under his leadership. His classic text is Spiritual Friendship.
St. Aelred called the monastery a school of love, and he encouraged true friendship among the monks, reflecting their friendship with Jesus Christ. Custom in monasteries had been to discourage such friendly intimacy. St. Aelred believed that a monk could not suppress need for friendly intimacy with others and enjoy friendly intimacy with the Divine.
The Abbot taught about three kisses. He wrote, "There is a physical kiss, a spiritual kiss, and an intellectual kiss." The physical kiss is when two persons touch lips. St. Aelred spoke of this as "a pleasant experience to share," one that "rouses and joins together the affection of those who embrace." The second kiss is the spiritual one. This is "a union of spirits." The intellectual kiss is "an infusion of God's grace."
St. Aelred referred to the spiritual kiss as that between friends who do not need physical contact. This is "an affection of the heart" and "a meeting of spirits." Such a spirit kiss, or intimacy of friendship apart from bodily contact, is possible due to the nonlocality of spirit: "There can be one spirit in many bodies." Spirit is pervasive, and even as we have union with the Divine, mingling Spirit with spirit beyond boundaries of our bodies, we can enjoy the same in spiritual intimacy with friends.
St. Aelred exemplified wonderfully this kiss of spirit in his last ten years of life, in which he suffered much from gout and stone. Much of the time he could not leave his cell in the infirmary. Still, he welcomed groups of monks, twenty to thirty a time, to visit him in the infirmary and lounge on his bed.
This contrasted with those Abbots whom St. Aelred's biographer referred to:
He did not treat them with the pedantic imbecility habitual in some silly abbots who, if a monk takes a brother's hand in his own, or says anything that they do not like, demand his cowl, strip and expel him. Not so Aelred, not so.
St. Aelred died January 12, 1167. He had lived to exemplify remarkably, through his own suffering, the kiss of spirit that he had taught as essential to intimate companionship with the Christ Jesus.
A friend is always a friend, and relatives are born to share our troubles (Proverbs 17.17, CEV).
*Biographical information on St. Aelred and notation from his biographer derive from All Saints, Ed. Robert Ellsberg. Description of the three kisses is from Near to the Heart of God, Ed. Bernard Bangley.
**OneLife writings are offered by Brian K. Wilcox, a United Methodist pastor serving in the Florida Conference of the United Methodist Church. Brian lives a vowed contemplative life with his two dogs, Bandit Ty and St. Francis, in North Florida. OneLife writings are for anyone seeking to live and share love, joy, and peace in the world and in devotion to God as she or he best understands God.
The Peace of Christ to All!
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