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I believe this is the truth of romance as True Love. This Love is not the facile attachment to a continual overdose of sensual pleasure, otherwise called lust, nor is it seeking to get the Love from someone else that can only come from inside oneself. I believe my parents have stayed together for over fifty years because there was a Love inside them, which came from their respect and love for God, that is greater than all the forces that could have pulled them apart.
Regarding so-called romance as mere sexual pleasure, I, since being single, have had persons approach me, contending that just having sex would help me so much. I guess some think that sexual relief is a must for all adults and healthy adults cannot just say “No.” Possibly, we now live in a culture that believes waiting for True Love and saving oneself for it implies a brain deformity or something. But, just having sex would leave me empty. Romance as just-sex is a poor substitute for romantic Love: focus on “Love.” Possibly, some persons seek relief, like persons being hungry. But, we find our true aspirations in romantic Love by respecting ourselves enough to settle for nothing less, for we want all God wants for us. And, thankfully, also, to fall in Love with all Life is a wonderful way to discover that one does not have to have coitus to feel fully human and whole.
I choose to believe in the truth of true romantic Love, exemplified in my parents and between Noah and Allie, but not because I have to. I could give into cynicism—many have. I could reduce such Love to childish dreams, cultural factors, or just plain luck. However, I choose to believe in this Love. I have known it. I have seen it, too, in the eyes and lives of others. I have witnessed it in friends who are in their second or third marriages and, now, for years have been deeply in Love romantically and spiritually. Even as a single man and not now involed in a romantic relationship, that Love thrives in my heart, for it does not rely on having someone to share it with romantically to remain Itself.
Possibly, we are in a crisis regarding marriage in our society. However, I do not see this as all bad. We as humans are struggling, still, to grow up. We are struggling to remain committed over time within cultural factors that do not support, in fact, militate against, long-term relationships. However, the fact that we are still trying and believing says at lot about the human spirit, which is a manifestation of the Spirit of God. Also, it says a lot about the faith we have in two persons being able to come to know love more deeply through learning to love each other more deeply, too.
However, there are cultural distortions of romantic Love. Much that goes under the name “falling in love” and “romance” is a regression of True Love to hormonal self-satisfaction or Freudian-like dreams of being cuddled and cared for by someone else. Romantic Love, as I speak of it, is a manifestation of a spiritually sustained oneness with another person, one that is rooted in each other’s particularized divinity.
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The union we experience in contemplation is reflected in the union between the two in love, and the physical act of coitus is the external manifestation of that union. Indeed, sex is always a short-lived experience, even if repeated with the same or different persons. However, sexuality within the romantic Love of which I speak is part of a stable commitment that entails many additional factors, as well as the personal emergence of each person into a greater, more compassionate wholeness, individually and together. This was one of the matters that struck me so much about “The Notebook”: it presented this spiritual view of true Romance.
You might read this writing as for those divorced or never married. No. A number of my readers are happily married or are in romantic partnership. You can keep alive the early fantasies of romantic Love. You can hold your love or beloved now the way you did that first time. You can kiss her or him, with that delight of the first kiss. You can still walk in the wood hand-in-hand or enjoy a candlelight dinner at home. You can still dance under the moonlight. You can still go to a movie together and laugh and enjoy popcorn, or similar experiences. You can, everyday, say, “I Love You.” You can surprise her or him with little things that keep saying, in ways words can never express, how much the other means to you.
And, some of you are widows or widowers. Yet, you can still keep alive and communicate your Love for your deceased loved one, for spirit is not limited to the conditions that confine through the human body. Speak to him or her. Tell that one of your continued Love. And, you may choose not to hestiate to invite a response, too.
For you who are single, why not be praying now for the one you hope to meet? Be praying for him or her, and pray that you will be ready to receive and give the Love that will be asked of you. Life will offer you Love with someone again, when you are ready. A good way to get ready is to enjoy singleness as a time to learn how to love all life and yourself more deeply.
Yes, with time romantic dreams change, but the dream itself can remain alive. The dream dies, I think, usually, through neglect. Persons get priorities mixed up. We forget what Noah says: In one respect, I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived. I've loved another with all my heart and soul. And for me, that has always been enough.
Possibly, we are none ready for long-term romantic Love until we can say with the aged Noah: “… for me, that has always been enough.”
So, yes, spirituality has everything to do with Romance. And, I wish for each of you to have all the love you could ever want in this life, and love that will truly be forever, too.
It is wrong to think that love comes from long companionship and persevering courtship. Love is the offspring of spiritual affinity and unless that affinity is created in a moment, it will not be created for years or even generations. Kahlil Gibran
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