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I believe most of us are sincerely caring persons. We want, with both courage and wisdom, to help when another is going through grief or suffering. We might feel, at times, that we have the courage, but we seem not to have the wisdom. At other times, we might have the wisdom, but some fear holds us back. I know what it is like, and, likely, you do, to enter the suffering of another person, fearing it will overwhelm me. These are normal human responses to immense grief or suffering. We cannot, indeed, help at a deep level without suffering along with the other person. But, not to enter the suffering of those dear to us, indeed, the suffering of the world, is our loss, for True Love is only found in such willingness to become one with another’s loss and its aftermath. And, in this journey of empathy, there is some risk.
In trying to help another in grief or suffering, we might find ourselves, despite our sincere efforts or intentions, at a loss of words or feeling that our attempts are not helping. Also, we might sense that our attempts are not received well by the other person. Loss often brings anger, but the anger is only the manifestation of deep hurt. And, when another hurts that deeply, we might fear the other will lash out at us. Indeed, she might, or she might not.
I, myself, as a pastor, friend, or family member, often feel that I do not know what to say or do when someone is in immense suffering. Indeed, I am cautious of thinking I am some expert in such times. I am just another human in the midst of questions I cannot answer and pain I cannot eliminate. I have no magical formula or solution to relieve the other person of the pain.
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I try to practice simply being present to the other person. And, as a pastor, rather than informing someone of how I want to help, I say something like, “How may I help…?” Then, that gives the other person an opportunity to express herself, to let me know what she most needs from me, rather than my assuming it. I, also, let the person know that I am present and available, whenever she would like to express how I might help. That is, I keep the door open, so to speak. This is the same approach I am learning better how to do with family and close friends.
In the 1993 romantic drama “Shadowlands,” C.S. Lewis, played by Anthony Hopkins, is shown to have often lectured on the meaning of suffering. He is introduced to great suffering, personally, when his new wife, Joy, contracts bone cancer and, after a brief time of remission, dies a painful death. Lewis had spent his life in an orderly world, but meeting living with his love, Joy, through her demise threw his world into disorder. Unable to rationalize his emptiness or perceive God’s plan in the midst of his grief, he blames God.
This series of three scenes shows Lewis struggling to deal with Joy’s death. Immediately after the funeral, his friend and vicar, Harry, tries to comfort Lewis by reminding him of how faith sees us through difficult times. Lewis' expression shows he is having a tough time sharing the vicar's feelings.
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